EYES TELL ALL

SARAH FLIPS THROUGH AN OLD PHOTO ALBUM AND PAUSES
ON A PICTURE OF YOU AND I.

SHE SIGHS AND SAYS;
"I WISH I COULD'VE KNOWN YOU BACK THEN.  YOU KNOW, BEFORE-"

AND I THINK, I THINK, I KNOW WHAT SHE IS GOING TO SAY.  BEFORE
YOU DIED, BEFORE MY WORLD CAME TUMBLING DOWN.

BUT I WAS WRONG.

SARAH SAYS, "BEFORE THE LIGHT IN YOUR EYES FADED."

SHE TRACES MY EYES IN THE PICTURE AND LOOKS AT ME SADLY.

I GUESS I JUST NEVER REALIZED YOU COULD TELL I WAS BROKEN
JUST BY LOOKING AT ME.

THE PERFECT DAY

REMEMBER WHEN WE DROVE TO THAT EMPTY FIELD
AND MADE LOVE ON AN OLD BLANKET?

WE LAY THERE
BARE-
EXPOSED TO EACH OTHER,
TO THE ELEMENTS,
AND YOU REACHED OVER TO GRAB MY HAND
QUIETLY SLIPPING A RING ON MY FINGER
AND WHISPERING:

"forever, sweet girl?"

THAT, WAS THE PERFECT DAY.

FROM HIM TO ME

YOUR MOTHER FOUND A BOX IN YOUR OLD ROOM

WITH MY NAME ON IT.

INSIDE- 

BITS AND PIECES OF OUR LIFE TOGETHER.

OUR LOVE,

OUR JOY,

AND A POEM YOU WROTE THAT YOU NEVER GAVE ME...

"we embrace

like the first two pieces of 

a jigsaw puzzle

whose arms and legs it seem 

reach into one another

and interlock so

that there is not even the tiniest breath of space

that would make you doubt it was me

and not one of the other 498

who compliment you so

and make sense of your shapes and colors"

DO YOU SEE?

 NOW, MY WORLD IS SENSELESS.

WINTER

WE USED TO TAKE LONG WALKS

TO WATCH THE SNOW FALL EACH MORNING

AND THE STARS FALL EACH NIGHT.

BUT WITHOUT YOU-

I AM MUCH TOO TIRED TO WALK HALFWAY THERE EACH MORNING,

OR TAKE THE LONG ROAD HOME EACH NIGHT.

FALL AND FADE

YOU ARE WITH ME

ALWAYS.

YOU ARE WITH ME

AND I AM WITHOUT.

-FALL AND FADE-

FALL AND FADE

TO BLACK.

I HATE THEM-

WANT TO HATE THEM:

THE HAPPY COUPLES,

THE ROMANTIC MOVIES,

LONG WALKS,

STOLEN KISSES,

SEPARATION.

I BURN THE WORDS.

BURN THEM ALL.  BURN

UNTIL THERE IS NOTHING LEFT

BUT AIR AND ASH.

BOTH WILL FALL AND FADE

WITH ME.

THE WRITING ON THE WALL

I WROTE YOUR NAME IN THE CLOUDS,

BUT THE SUN CLEARED IT AWAY.

I WROTE YOUR NAME IN THE SAND,

BUT THE TIDE CARRIED IT TO SEA.

I WROTE YOUR NAME IN MY HEART

WHERE IT WILL STAY

FOREVER.

THE END

YOU ONCE ASKED ME HOW IT ALL ENDS.

YOU PONDER THE INEVITABLE.

I'VE LIVED IT.

I TELL YOU IT ENDS WITH GOODBYE, OF COURSE.

A LITTLE WHITE LIE. A GIFT OF HOPE.

OR MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, IT ENDS WITH BEAUTY.
NOT WITH A WHIMPER BUT WITH A BANG

PERHAPS, WITH A SIMPLE DREAM.  PERHAPS?

GOODNIGHT, SWEET GIRL.

SCHEDULING ERROR

MOST DAYS I MANAGE

TO KEEP MYSELF BUSY,

TO NOT THINK TOO MUCH.

BUT TODAY I MISS THE WAY YOU KISSED ME

TOUCHED ME

 LOVED ME.

CHANGES

YOU CHANGED ME, YOU KNOW?

GAVE ME NEW WORDS WITH EACH TOUCH.

AND I KNOW,

I KNOW-

THAT THERE IS STILL A PLACE WHERE I WILL ALWAYS BE YOURS.

WHERE EVERYTHING IS FELICITY

AND ECSTASY

AND ELABORATELY

OURS.

TRANSFORMATIONS

I HAD THIS TEACHER, TENTH GRADE ART, I THINK, WHO SWORE SHE WAS A BUTTERFLY IN A PAST LIFE.

CRAZY, RIGHT?

I THOUGHT SO TO, UNTIL I MET A MAN WALKING DOWN FIRST STREET WHO TOLD ME HE WAS A FUCKING CATERPILLAR, JUST WAITING TO TRANSFORM.

COINCIDENCE?

I DUNNO, MAN.  SARA, YOU REMEMBER SARA, THE SKINNY BITCH FROM THE TWENTY-FOUR HOUR DINER ON BEALE AND WASHINGTON.  ANYWAY, SARA ALWAYS SAID THERE WERE NO COINCIDENCES.  SHE CALLED HERSELF A BYSTANDER, REMEMBER?  SHE ALWAYS LISTENED TO US RAMBLE, TOOK NOTES WITH HER EYES.  SARA WAS ALWAYS THE POET I WISHED I COULD BE.

ANYHOW, TRANSFORMATIONS.  LAST AUGUST I HAD THIS DREAM.  NO SCRATCH THAT.  NOT A DREAM.  A REVELATION.  AN EPIPHANY.  AND YOU WERE THERE, TRANSFORMED, CAUSE ONCE YOU DIE YOU'RE NEVER THE SAME.  AND I WAS THERE, AND MY HEART WASN'T BROKEN AND NOTHING WAS BROKEN AND YOUR LOVE REMAINED FIXED AND NEVER STUMBLED AND THE LIGHT WAS MIDNIGHT BLUE AND THE MUSIC WAS SOMETHING SWEET BECAUSE LOVE IS THE WINTER MOON AND DREAMS MAKE UP SEVENTY-THREE PERCENT OF THE EARTH.

I TOLD SARA, OVER TOO MUCH CAFFEINE AND TOO MANY CIGARETTES THAT THEY (YOU KNOW THEY, THEM, THE DREAMS ETC.) STOPPED MAKING SENSE AFTER YOU DIED.  THE DREAMS I DREAMED ON THOSE MIDNIGHT BLUE DAYS - SHIT, THEY BELONG TO THE MOTHER STAR.

REMEMBER, THE ONE THAT FELL THE DAY WE WERE BORN.  I MEAN, REALLY BORN.  AND SARA SMILED BECAUSE SHE KNEW THIS AS WE ALL DO WHEN THE CHOICES ARE NO LONGER OURS.  SHE SMILED AND SIGHED BECAUSE I WAS ONCE HER AND WE KNEW THE WAY THE WORLD WORKED. SHE SIGHED AND YOU KNOW WHAT SHE SAID?  SHE SAID:

i've seen this city sleep - or never sleep - and wake(?)

in the cruel hours just before dawn.  it's soft machinery

slowly whirring, slowly starting, slowly whispering:

they've forgotten the truth here.

AFTER YOU DIED, I COULD HEAR IT.  IT'S INSIDES BEGGING TO REMIND US.  IT'S GUTS YEARNING TO SPILL OVER.  INFECT.  DESTROY.  START AGAIN.

SOMETIMES THE TRUTH IS BURIED SO DEEP NOT EVEN THE EARTH REMEMBER THE ORIGINAL LIE.  UNTIL IT'S FORCED TO SCREAM.  AND EVEN THE MOTHER STAR CRIES.

MY POINT IS THIS:  IT'S ALL A TRANSFORMATION.  EVERYTHING.  LIFE.  DEATH.  LOVE.  WELL, ESPECIALLY LOVE.  WHAT DID I SAY?

I SAID THE FIRE'S BURNING AND THE CITY SLEEPS.  I SAID WE DON'T DREAM HERE AND NOBODY DREAMS HERE AND THE WALLS THAT KEEP THE REAL YOU SAFE, WELL SARA OR SOMEONE LIKE HER BREAKS THEM DOWN.  BURNING WITHOUT COINCIDENCE.  

I SAID SPRING IN ASTORIA.  AND THE EARTH STOPPED SCREAMING AND THE MOTHER STAR IS REBORN AND SOMETHING NEW, SOMETHING ALMOST BEAUTIFUL, ALMOST FUCKING BEAUTIFUL, IS BORN.  

I SAID EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON BECAUSE DREAMS MAKE UP SEVENTY-THREE PERCENT OF THE EARTH.

I SAID SOMETHING EXTRAORDINARY.

I SAID SOUL-MATES.

I MEANT IT.